I used to look at myself and feel worthless, inadequate, ugly and honestly unforgivable.

 

I felt the need to always be wearing makeup & lots of it, I would pluck my eyebrows, often over-pluck them then fill them in, always wear mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick, and more & there wasn’t ANY chance you’d catch me without it.

 

I used to always straighten my hair, only ever wear it down because I was disgusted with how I looked with my hear up. I thought I looked like a 12-year-old boy going through puberty if it was pulled up. I washed my hair every single day (sometimes 2+times/day) knowing it was so unhealthy and drying it out but I couldn’t stand the thought of my hair looking even the slightest bit oily or out of place. My hair was colored every couple of months to give it that “natural shine”. But honestly, there was nothing natural about what I was doing. I wasn’t happy with who I was. I was trying to cover up who I was, I was trying to fit in, I was trying to look like everyone else. What today’s culture sees as beautiful. But even with stick-straight hair, drawn-on eyebrows, a painted face, I still didn’t feel beautiful. I still saw how ugly, broken and damaged I was.

 

I was so wrapped up with what people thought about me and too busy to think about what God thought about me. He loved me, even in my darkest moments. Even in my most sinful times. He still loves me. He would still choose to die on the cross again just for me. He would do it every single day if necessary. He loved me beyond the superficial. I started to realize that more and more little by little. My newfound friends from church noticed this and patiently waited for me to notice it myself and would drop words of encouragement even when I didn’t look my “best”. I was at a sleepover with Faith and I took off all of my makeup and this was the first time anyone had seen me makeup-free in years. I immediately wanted to hide and go to sleep but we stayed up for hours talking about God and the wonderful things He’s about to bless us with, we didn’t have the slightest idea. I started wearing less and less makeup, not because I didn’t have the energy for it anymore, or because I started letting myself go, but because I didn’t feel like I “Needed” to cover up as much anymore. I’d wear my hair natural a couple of days because a couple of friends asked me to and they would go crazy “why do you ever straighten your hair when it looks like This naturally?” I didn’t have an answer because it’s a bit too humbling at that moment to say aloud “I just wanted to fit in with what’s considered beautiful”. Yet somehow I still felt so ugly. I refused to accept God’s love. I hadn’t noticed this yet, but hindsight is 2020 (I’m sorry for the pun).

 

I slowly started to learn about God’s love for me and it took a humbling moment with Amanda during one of our weekly bible studies when you realize YOU DON’T DESERVE GOD’S LOVE. There’s nothing you could ever do to deserve God’s love. But he gave it to us anyway. Whether we deserve it or not. When I realized that, I dove right in, on Fire for Jesus. Loving to learn about Him. Loving to read about Him. Loving to love Him. I finally learned what it means to fall in love. I finally fell in love with Jesus Christ. He has changed my life. I realized I am nothing without him.

 

So do I still wear makeup? Yes. Do I occasionally straighten my hair? Yes. But do these things to hide who I am? No. Do I do it to look confident and be seen as what today’s culture sees as beautiful? No. I am already beautiful in God’s eyes.

 

“Listen, daughter, pay attention and consider... and the king will desire your beauty.” -Psalm 45:10-11

 

Once I realized my worth (beyond beauty) in God’s eyes. I held myself to a new kind of standard. I am not just some girl. I am a child of God. I am God’s daughter.

 

I’ve been able to come out of my shell, no longer mask who I am. I’ve been able to find out who I really am. Before, I don’t think I actually knew. I was completely lost. Now, I’ve gained a personality, a joyful, quirky, fun, passionate, God-loving spirit inside of me. I’ve learned that I need to take care of myself and truly value myself because I know God values me. So I started taking care of my body, eating appropriately, checking my macros, going to the gym, getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, etc. I truly learned how to love myself.

 

This year has been a year of growth. I’ve been able to make memories and friends and best friends and a man I will cherish for the rest of my life, people (mainly Amanda & Steven) who have helped me pave the path to Jesus. Everything I have, I give

Glory to God.